What is Commitment?

Commitment between two couples is all about having a long-term view. It means that you are going to stay in this relationship permanently in all situations and at all costs--not just until a better option comes along. What commitment does for a marriage is to say that the two of us are going to be able to survive the inevitable ups and downs of a lifelong relationship--simply because we are committed to one another.

Commitment also means that we are going to give up some rights or choices because of our love and devotion for this person. This idea is not a very prized value in our culture today. (What? You mean I'm going to have to give something up?) Our society today says that you should hang on to everything. Or as they say in Texas, don't sell your mineral rights! After all, none of us willingly want to give up what we think is "ours".

But that's what successful and truly satisfying marriage is all about--denying yourself. Sacrifice. And more specifically, it's about all the unforseen joy there is to be found in life by willingly giving yourself completely to another person. Couples that don't get this concept of a deeper trust deny themselves something extraordinarily beautiful. There truly is nothing else like it.

Why Marriage Matters

According to the Administration for Children and Families, Health and Human Services, Washington D.C., (and many other resources), there are multiple reasons why healthy marriages increase social health. Here are some of the primary advantages: Statistically, married couples have better overall physical health and mental health--which only increases with happy marriages. Married couples suffer less injuries, less illness, and less disability. They typically live longer, and have children who are physically healthier, as well as are more emotionally stable. With marriage also comes a lower infant mortality rate, a lower rate of child abuse, and lower rates of STDs.

Whew! That's quite a list of incentives for marriage, in general. And, again, healthier marriages just increase all of those statistics further. But for couples to have healthier marriages, it requires intentionality and prioritization within that marriage--to make the marriage stronger, better. Kellie and I recommend that couples become students of marriage. Before and after you're married, read at least one good book on marriage enrichment each year. Also, attend a retreat or pro-marriage weekend once each year. Take a few minutes to take a good online relationship inventory annually. And make sure that you are always dating, playing, and having fun--muy importante!!

If you have any questions or comments about any of these suggestions and want more details or information, please contact us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org . We'd be glad to help you and your fiance move forward with a more intentional (and more satisfying) marriage. That's why we're here.

Givers and Takers

There are two kinds of people in the world, basically--givers and takers. In marriage, this becomes an extremely important factor to the health of a young relationship.

There is nothing more fantastic than a marriage with two givers. Givers spend their time trying to cook up ways to be creatively loving and generous to the one they love--rather than keeping a scorecard of how much they have done (and how much their spouse "needs" to do). Givers are really taking to heart that God created marriage to grow through loving sacrifice.

However, in marriage, when one person is a giver, and the other is a taker, this can start out appearing beautiful (since there are ample opportunities for a giver to "accommodate" a taker--for a short while, everyone seems happy). But, this arrangement inevitably ends up in great conflict. This slowly creates an environment for an unhealthy relationship with a potential for passive aggressive behavior.

When both people are takers, simply put, this is a recipe for rapid disaster. Two takers can destroy each other in marriage very quickly with their selfishness. In fact, I would never counsel two obvious unyielding takers to get married. What would be the point?

So, what if you are a taker? Are there no options for a successful future marriage? Fortunately, there are. Unlike other factors in a relationship like natural temperament or some aspects of physical appearance, selfishness is something that can be changed in a person. I won't say that it's always easy. It also probably won't be an overnight change either--but it can happen. It's all about yielding that selfishness--confessing it, acknowledging it, and then asking the One who made you to give you healing from it. I'm living proof myself that God can give a person a dramatic night-and-day difference in the ability to move away from self-centeredness. Doing this effectively might require the help of another party--a pastor, a counselor, a professional, a friend. It certainly requires much prayer. But it can be done!

An extremely healthy exercise as you are moving into marriage is to evaluate yourself and your own level of selfishness (all of us have selfish moments, by the way). If you find yourself through honest self-evaluation to be a taker, get some help to move away from that identity. The second step would be to honestly evaluate your fiance in the same way. If either or both of you feel that one or both of you are takers, then move quickly to get some third-party help. Your future relationship is too important to not be honest about this.

A successful lifelong marriage is rooted in sacrifice. And ironically, that's where many of the thrilling joys of marriage lie--in the often new found ability to love someone else in a way that you never have before. Get over selfishness as quickly as you can. In fact, I pray that your future marriage is an example to the world of how selfless people can become. The overwhelming evidence will be your happiness and joy together.