A Fantastic Premarital Tool

One of the greatest joys in life for Kellie and me is the opportunity to work with so many engaged couples. As a result of our investment in premarital couples, we are constantly learning about new tools that can help a soon-to-be-married-for-life pair understand who they are and what behaviorial patterns they might have in the future. For instance, are there ever reasons that a couple should not marry, or at least postpone a wedding? You better believe there are. But rather than try to frighten you in any way with that reality, I would rather encourage you to get all the helpful insights about your relationship together before your wedding day that you possibly can.

That being said, there is an exciting new tool for premarital couples that I highly recommend called eHarmony Marriage. You've probably seen the commercials on television for eHarmony, a relationship service that is responsible for an average of 90 weddings a day, according to one report. In 2006, a revolutionary new division of eHarmony was developed to help actual marriages be healthier and more successful. eHarmony Marriage is a personalized, interactive online "marriage wellness" program designed to help marriages flourish by building a deepened sense of understanding, appreciation and connectedness. To get even more specific, there is a "premarital" track that is specifically designed for engaged couples. Through private online testing and education and encouragement, premarital couples have the opportunity to look at their relationship objectively and increase the joy and intimacy in a private setting.

To find out more about specifics, convenience, cost, etc. click http://marriage.eharmony.com/. Kellie and I have already benefitted ourselves from our own investment in the eharmony Marriage program--and we've seen a lot of great tools over the years.

Again, the more you can discuss together about your lives together on this side of your wedding day, the more realistic expectations you will have going into your most important lifelong commitment. This blog exists simply to help couples have more successful lives together in marriage. We believe that this program is another helpful tool that's easily available.

Making Time

Are you getting enough time together--simply to talk? Do you remember when you dated as a teenager how you would just spend hours on the phone? So, how about now? Are you spending quantity and quality time together in conversation? Failing to get time together to talk is the first thing that will short-circuit good communication in your marriage.

There's no short way around it. You must intentionally set aside time in order to have conversations together that really mean something. Otherwise, you will just be going through the motions with a very surface kind of communication.

Without planning this sort of time into your schedule--actually putting the specified time into your Daytimer, Palm Pilot or Crackberry--it just won't happen. For Kellie and me, it just so happens that conversations best occur when we're either walking together, driving together or sharing a meal together. For any of those things to take place, we've usually got to put it on our calendar...or at least say to each other, "This is what we're doing at 8 p.m. tonight!" Waiting for it to just "happen" usually means it won't.

Prioritizing time to talk together will put you way ahead of the curve when it comes to developing more connection in your relationship. Just remember....someday, you'll both be much older and talking will remain one of the few things you'll be able to do with the same kind of energy. So now's the time to get good at it!

My, How We've Grown!

I've always said that if a person really wants to grow in their personal life....then get married! Why? Because, frankly, going into a marriage relationship with another person will quickly put you face to face with how selfish you really are. Think about how ridiculous the notion might seem (at first glance) for two people to get married in the first place--two people, typically opposite in so many ways, pledging to live the rest of their lives together as "one flesh". The question will not be "Will we have any disagreements?". The question is "What will our disagreements be about... and how will we handle them?"

Part of the subtle but dramatic change in a marriage relationship, even for couples that have lived together first (which, by the way, we don't recommend for a lot of reasons), is that there are two individuals moving from independence to interdependence. Now, in this new love relationship of commitment, both parties are stepping out in faith to forfeit their "rights" of doing whatever they want, whenever they want. In our very selfish society, that notion might spark a lot of folks to respond with, "Well, then why get married? Won't that just cut into my freedom?"

My answer to that is that marriage is one of the best exchanges you could ever make in your life. Trading away your so-called personal freedoms for the opportunity to live freely together in a new God-centered relationship is well worth it. You will learn so much about what life really is all about--that's it's not about you. You will learn that serving others is the key to happy living--and that serving that one person in particular in a very intimate context can become the greatest blessing of your life.

It won't always be easy. Mike Mason, in his book The Mystery of Marriage, says:

A marriage, or a marriage partner, may be compared to a great tree growing right up through the center of one's living room. It is something that is just there, and it is HUGE, and everything has been built around it, and wherever one happens to be going--to the fridge, to bed, to the bathroom, or out of the front door--the tree has to be taken into account. It cannot be gone through; it must respectfully be gone around. It is somehow bigger and stronger than oneself. True, it could be chopped down, but not without tearing the house apart. And certainly it is beautiful, unique, exotic. But also, let's face it, it is at times an enormous inconvenience.

Personal growth is rarely easy. But it is always worth it. Growing together while learning what marriage is really all about is also not easy. But there are few things in life more rewarding and more satisfying than figuring out the rich depths of marriage together. Are you ready for that growth adventure?

Ladies, Give "Prince Charming" a Break

I (Kellie) get the benefit of hearing many different women comment about their husbands. Sometimes I get to hear great comments like "He did the nicest thing for me the other day ..." or "he just wanted to cuddle". But unfortunately, I hear many sad comments like "He just doesn't seem to get me" or "He's not really interested in seeing our relationship grow". Dr. Hurst's diagnosis? These women are temporarily suffering from "Prince Charming-itis". Somewhere along the way we believed that once we found "Mr. Right", all would be right with the world because our man would take on the task of meeting all of our emotional needs. Wrong! There is no man on earth who could possibly meet that monumental task.

When I was a little girl, I was well versed with all of those wonderful fairy tales ... especially the one with the cute guy on the white horse who would ride into town, stop everything, and gaze into my eyes (um ... I mean, Cinderella's eyes!) and make everything right. But here is what I've learned about "Brett Charming" after a couple of decades of marriage ...

1. I cannot place all of my emotional eggs in his basket. It is completely unfair of me to expect my husband to be my end-all. He won't be able to do it, and I set him up to fail when I expect him to.

2. My husband is really busy with a lot of other important things ... like working very hard for our family. To place him on the pedestal of being the Master of Meeting Emotional Needs is quite unfair.

3. Andy Stanley (a pastor from Atlanta) says that men think of their marriages like a good car. They just want it to work ... they don't want to have to work on it every weekend! This doesn't mean that our guys can't learn to be more emotionally involved - it just means that they're not wired the same way we girls are.

So let's cut the guys a little slack. It's a great place to be when you can look at your husband in all of his "man-ness" and be thrilled with who he is. Perfectionism has no place in marriage. Ladies, when your man falls off that white horse, hop back up there with him and hold on for the ride of your life!

Did Your Parents Throw Dishes?

I know that you and your fiance NEVER have any kind of conflict! But how did your parents resolve their conflicts with each other? Better yet, how did they resolve conflict with you? The odds are that, unless you make a conscious decision to do something differently, you will use many of the same techniques to resolve future conflicts in your new marriage. That may or may not be a good thing. This makes the subject of conflict resolution style another good topic to consider and discuss with your soon-to-be-spouse.

Again, the more of these things that you can explore together as a couple on this side of your wedding day, the more prepared you will be to face things that are inevitable in marriage--such as conflict. Conflict is not avoidable in any close relationship. And, believe it or not, it's not all that important what kind of conflict style you have in a marriage--quiet, loud or somewhere in-between. The key is to have realistic expectations of what's coming. Then unpleasant surprises can be considerably minimized. And when disagreements inevitably do come, you will both have some insight about the other person that will allow you to sail through most potential arguments with minimal damage.

Whether you throw dishes or not, make sure that you both know each other's conflict resolution styles well. Then you can figure out what your joined style of resolving issues will be as a married couple together.