Super Important Marriage Advice

Happy Memorial Day!

I (Brett) just finished interviewing a very good friend of mine who just celebrated his 61st wedding anniversary with his wife! That's a lot of life together! When I asked him the number one piece of advice that he would pass on to young couples getting married today, here was his response:

"Always put your spouse's welfare, dreams, wishes and self-worth ahead of your own and constantly let her or him know how important they are to your life and happiness."

I'll buy that. After sixty-one years of happy marriage, this man's walking the talk.

Let's Discuss It Over Dinner

A topic that I wish was discussed more is the idea that a solid marriage needs to be based on a very strong friendship. In fact, the potential of two people being best friends and lovers is a very powerful combination. In marriage, that friendship needs at least as much attention as the other friendships that occur outside the marriage. I happen to be officiating a wedding this weekend where the bride and groom are clearly each other's best friends. They do all kinds of things together as a couple--they are workout partners, they talk out their day together, they both like doing outdoor adventures, they like to listen to good jazz downtown, etc. They are definitely close friends.

One of the most powerful ways to build a friendship is also one of the simplest--have dinner together. Another word for friendship is companionship. The word companionship comes from a Latin word that means "breaking bread together". For a friendship to grow, it's important for companions to share meals often.

Statistics have shown that families that have developed the habit of eating together are families that lead more stable lives--in multiple categories. According to an article by Nancy Gibbs in Time magazine, kids in those families statistically are less likely to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders or contemplate suicide. They are also more likely to do well in school, delay having sex, eat their vegetables, learn big words and know which fork to use. That's scary--I didn't know there was supposed to be more than one fork in the first place!

The point is that it's important to share meals--to break bread--with those that you love. In a young marriage, that is a great time to start the habit of eating together as regularly as possible. Being able to talk about your day over dinner is rich stuff. And building the routine early is important--because you're only going to have a more hectic schedule if kids enter the picture someday later.

Whether you sit down to dinner at home (typically cheaper) or eat out together (definitely not cheapest) really doesn't matter much for the friendship-building component in early marriage. The point is to have time to linger together and talk about things thoroughly and leisurely. Even ordering a Domino's pizza (a million delivered on an average day) is not necessarily bad--as long as that ordered pizza is not making you each turn towards a television set instead of each other.

For us, Kellie and I have found, by far, that we connect best as a family at those meals where we and our teenagers are eating together around a table at home. It allows us to talk freely together in a safe place. For us, there's freedom for laughter and honest conversation--just better overall connection between us.

Better emotional bonding and the development of deeper friendships comes from sharing meals together--who knew? Maybe watching the Food Network is important after all.

I Don't Like The Way You Do Laundry!

A good conversation to have with your future lifelong mate is connected to how your house or apartment will be maintained. In other words, what are your expectations for how the household chores will be managed together?

I bring this up because one of the chores that I help with around our house--quite a bit, actually--is doing the laundry. With two active teenagers, we have an incessant pile of laundry in our home that never seems to go away. The pile just grows bigger and bigger like some grotesque monster in a "B" movie. Our goal as parents for some time has been to "groom the minors" in our family to take a good chunk of this responsibility, but effectually, they do a load themselves about once in a blue moon. So to help out, I don't mind doing up to a dozen loads of laundry a week.

The problem is that Kellie doesn't always like how I do the laundry. Apparently, there is a special system of some kind to doing laundry. She has a certain combination of detergents and sprays she uses on various things. They serve some purpose--although I'm not completely sure what. I guess I didn't pick that up in college. My simple effective method for this chore is to get as much of the growing, fermenting piles into that machine, pour gobs of soap in there and get that laundry going. Mixing colors with whites--not a tremendously big deal to me! Hot water--who really needs it? And besides, it costs more money, right? Just run that load!

You can see that I still have so much to learn. At any rate, with all the tedious chores connected with running a home, it's important to discuss ahead of time who likes to do what around the house--and who best knows how to do what. Clarify those expectations now and you'll save yourself from some very unnecessary (and sometimes hysterical) arguments.

Weathering Tough Storms Together

A few years back, Oprah Winfrey had actor Michael J. Fox and his wife, actress Tracy Pollan on her show. You may recall that the famous couple met while working together on the TV show Family Ties. You may also be aware that Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease just three years after his wedding ceremony with Tracy. The two have now been married for 18 years.

On her show, Oprah asked Tracy if there was ever a time when she said to herself, "This is isn't what I bought into!"

This was Tracy's response: "No....Michael and I had great role models. Though his father has passed away, his parents had an amazingly strong marriage, as do mine. Both weathered really tough times. For us, it has been normal to stay together through difficulties. We grew up witnessing that first hand. "

A successful lifelong marriage together is not possible without that kind of a deep commitment to each other.

World's Most Expensive Wedding

Most couples are surprised to find out that their wedding is more expensive than they would have ever dreamed. It's certainly easy to lose perspective quickly on how ritzy a wedding should be. According to The Longest List of the Longest Stuff at the Longest Domain Name at Long Last, the most expensive wedding in the world occurred June 22, 2004. That day, Lakshmi Mittal threw a lavish wedding for his daughter Vanisha Mittal and her fiancee Amit Bhatia. Their very plush wedding was held at Vaux le Vicomte, a 17th century French chateau (of course...where else?). The ceremony was actually the climax of a six day celebration--now that's a wedding weekend! The reported cost of the wedding celebration was $60 million. I'm guessing that was chump change for Lakshmi. He also holds the record for owning the world's most expensive house.

If you're feeling the pressure to "keep up with the Joneses" to make your wedding the most over-the-top celebration ever, I'd say you can relax. Unless you have a few million to throw around, your wedding will most likely come in at least a few dollars cheaper than the above extravaganza. By the way, it might interest you to know that some of the most special weddings that Kellie and I have ever participated in were ones that had the most modest and intimate of settings. In our view, what makes a wedding beautiful is to celebrate the joyous beginning of a lifelong marriage between two very special people--surrounded by family and friends--the people who love them most. So save a little of that extravagant spending for later family needs. Believe me, it could save you a lot of extra trouble now...and later.

Protecting Your New Marriage

If you haven't figured it out yet, we live in a society that's not exactly friendly to marriage. And not just the institution of marriage, but your individual marriage. Believe it or not, there are all kinds of outside forces in the world that would, frankly, rather not see your future marriage succeed. That's why it's important to take steps to protect your new relationship with your soon-to-be spouse.

Most likely, on your wedding day, you will be taking vows of some type that will emphasize your new commitment together. At your wedding, you will probably both be promising in some way to stay faithful and true to one another. Those are important vows. But communicate with each other before you get married how you are pragmatically going to do that. Maybe it's time to discuss a change in behavior from how things have been currently going in your dating life. For instance, maybe some situations that occur now might actually make you uncomfortable in a marriage commitment later. You might both want to decide how to handle invitations to having lunch alone with a person of the opposite sex. Or maybe you should discuss how important it is to regularly let friends and acquaintences know that you are happily married, without just making that fact an assumed notion--simply because you will now be wearing a wedding ring.

Obviously, you will not be able to completely avoid talking to someone of the opposite sex. That is neither realistic nor a way to go through life. However, it is important to always demonstrate your commitment to your future spouse, especially when they are not actually standing there with you. Always speak highly of your mate to others, and never give any reason for distrust.

Don't worry. There's really no reason to fear making a giant mistake in this area. Prayer is the simple key. Ask God to help your marriage stay on track in the area of trust. God does want to protect your marriage. So, pray for each other to make good decisions while you are apart from each other. When you are together, pray with each other to further develop your personal level of trust and understanding of each other. Praying together will keep you on track while growing you closer together in a level of intimacy that can't be achieved in any other context. In fact, praying together with the one you adore diminishes greatly your desire to be cavalier in any way about your marriage. So, it's a worthwhile investment of time.

People insure their homes, cars....all kinds of things against theft, casualty or destruction. Do the same thing for your most important relationship--pray for your love daily.

You Didn't Say Anything About Kids!

Every couple considering marriage needs to address the issue of the potential of having children together. Personally, I think having kids is one of the absolute greatest blessings a husband and wife can have on this earth. However...I'm afraid that not everyone shares that viewpoint with me. Let's face it. Kids are hard work. The subject of parenthood can be a tremendous stressor for a young marriage.

Do the two of you want children? If so, when? Is school for either one of you an issue right now? Are your careers more of a priority? Even if you eventually want to have children, it would be very beneficial to discuss how long you both want to wait before having kids (not that those conversations always do a lot of good--sometimes surprises just happen in life, unexplainably).

In my opinion, having kids is worth every minute, but there's certainly a lot to consider.

For instance, if you do have children, who is going to be the primary caregiver? Not a slam dunk question anymore. You might assume that you are on the same page on this issue only to find out that there is a dramatic surprise awaiting you. These days, all kinds of factors can make questions like this more complicated than ever. So please don't put off this important conversation. Bottom line: make sure you communicate with each other early and honestly what your expectations are about children. Then you won't get any curve balls thrown at you later. At least...not until you're playing ball with one of your kids!

Wedding Day

I'll be officiating another wedding today. Another precious couple will pledge before God, family, and friends to spend the rest of their lives together. That alone will make today a very special day.

I (Brett) love weddings. As a minister, there's nothing more thrilling than standing at the altar with the groom as he waits for his bride to come through the door. It's honestly an electric and very emotional experience. I enjoy having that special vantage point and watching the groom's reaction (and I've seen all kinds of reactions, believe me) as the bride comes down the aisle. And without fail, every single time, I think about my own young bride, twenty years ago, walking through the back doorway of her parents' home--and coming towards the altar beside the beautiful pool setting in her family's backyard. Our own wedding was at dusk, the sky was clear, the weather was perfect, the service was intimate, there were gorgeous lights in the trees--a romantic fairy tale, really--with the stunning love-of-my-life walking down the white-carpeted "aisle" that wrapped around the water until she, too, was standing with me.

Our pastor performed a beautiful service. And then....suddenly....we were married!

In our later years together, there would be many more fairy-tale and non-fairy-tale moments for us over the course of a long and happy marriage--including some very tough times together as a family. But the romance of that first day of our marriage is still alive and well. And, in a way, I have the privilege of "re-living" that experience in my position as a wedding minister--over and over again.

Congratulations to today's bride and groom--sweet, sweet people, both of them. I know, with God at the center of their lives, they, too, will also be very happy together!

You Tell Me Yours and I'll Tell You Mine

Here's a fun thing to do together (maybe). First, tell each other four good habits that you each have in your own life. That's the easy part. Then, tell each other four habits you wish you didn't have. This can be very revealing stuff. For instance, one of my milder bad habits is that I (Brett) often don't completely close the silverware drawer in our kitchen. I'm not really sure why I have that habit. I'm just really sure that it still drives Kellie crazy.

Keep in mind that habits are just that--habitual. Although virtually any bad habit can be broken, nevertheless, some of these annoying patterns could very well be traits that you may have thirty years from now! How does that make your future spouse feel? I can see some very interesting discussions brewing from this....

We always talk about the importance of giving each other grace throughout the many years of a lifelong marriage. So how about it...can you look the other way when you see an open silverware drawer? This sharing exercise might give you the opportunity to get a good headstart with learning how to overlook some bad habits of your mate. Or not.

Prenuptial Disagreement

Marriage expert Norm Wright says that prenuptials usually reflect a lack of trust as well as an incomplete commitment. Although, it's true, you certainly both need to go into marriage with your eyes wide open, you also need to be ready to commit to the intent that you will be together 'til death do you part.

So...can the two of you say with confidence that everything now belongs to both of you--to your new marriage? If you are not willing to share your finances together at this stage in the game or if you're not convinced that you are necessarily going to stay together until one of you dies, then, forgive me for asking, but why are you getting married? At the very least, I would say that it's time to have a serious conversation about your future together. Not being able to trust each other in the financial arena begins your marriage on a foundation of disagreement--probably not the best start.

All in the Family

There's an old saying that says that it's not two people that get married, it's actually six....or more! The meaning here is that you bring into your new marriage the attitudes of your parents--on both sides of the family. And if either of you is a child of divorce, then there are additional factors that have helped shape your viewpoints on life--and that's just the beginning of your family dynamics.

The more you know about your partner's family before you get married, the better. It will give you valuable insight into the heart of your companion. You'll discover what their philosophy of family and family life is really all about. You'll figure out why he or she behaves in certain ways under stress. You'll get a greater glimpse into the attitudes that shape them.

Whether we like it or not, we are products of our original families. But that doesn't mean that we have to set up the new family in exactly the same way. New philosophies, goals, and directions can be charted--through thoughtful prayer and discussion together. But spending some quality investment into each other's family history will be time well spent--because chances are those history lessons will resurface from time to time over the course of your lives together.

The Best Glue of All

Sex is awesome (I thought I would get your attention with that).

By the way, that word "awesome" has been quite overused in the last 25 years of our culture, but in this case, the word applies. Sex is awesome! It is a marvelous gift from the One who made us. No matter what you may have heard, God designed sex--and He did it for our pleasure and benefit. Among the many great things about sex is that it brings two people together in a way that can bond them for life. That's why it's so important to reserve the ultimate expression for the one to whom you are truly committed.

But, actually, I'm not here to talk about sex on this particular post. There is something that has just as much power (or more) to bind you together--and that's prayer. Prayer is also awesome! If you want to really connect with the one you love, pray with that person. In prayer, amazing things happen in the process of doing it--things that are independent of even what you thought you might be praying about.

When two people pray together, they grow in intimacy, to say the least. Over time, those two people will share things deep in their heart that they didn't even know resided in them. I can't tell you how many times I (Brett) have blurted out things in prayer that I either didn't necessarily intend to share with my wife or I had no idea they were down in the recesses of my mind and heart. It's pretty powerful stuff! Praying together makes love and commitment grow.

Praying together may sound a little intimidating at first--particularly to a lot of men. That's okay. You can take your time on this one and go slowly. The importance is to move forward on prayer together. Take baby steps. You may just start out praying silently together. Little by little start trying to say some little bits of prayer audibly. You can read things off of a list--maybe add a line here and there. It really doesn't matter how you do it. One couple started by having the wife pray out loud, while the husband just held her tight during the prayer. She was thrilled.

When you pray, don't worry at all about what God thinks! He already knows everything about both of you--whether you pray to Him or not. But it is clear from scripture that the Lord wants us to pray, He desires us to pray. The best way that I can describe that is how each day I long to have conversation with each of my two kids. It is such a thrill to hear what's going on in their world, in their minds, in how they think and feel. It's one of the great pleasures in life. How much more does God want to spend time with His own creations--each one of us. I believe nothing gives Him more pleasure than hearing our humble prayer expressions.

Add to that the fact that God can do some unbelievably great things on our behalf, and you've got quite an inspiring case for prayer. So, as you take the steps to begin praying together, know that you are getting into something good. And, by doing it, you are dramatically increasing the statistical odds of preventing divorce or decay in your lifelong relationship together. And, believe it or not, it will make your sex life better! You'll just have to take my word on it. I encourage you to take a chance on prayer ASAP....even before your wedding day. It will make that glorious wedding experience and your lives in the future together that much richer, deeper, and permanent.

Viva La Difference!

Dating couples are not only attracted to similarities, but also to differences. Sometimes the differences are even more attractive at first because we are subconsciously responding to things in the other person that fill our empty places. But here's the deal: those same differences that were so adorable while dating often become so irritating during the first few years of marriage! So....just know that ahead of time. And when those opposite qualities start getting a bit annoying, don't immediately retreat because you "couldn't be more different from each other". In fact, be particularly sensitive to extend extra grace to each other in the early years of marriage while you're figuring out how to "fit" together. Opposites are great! If you can cut each other slack consistently, I can promise you that, eventually, those irritating differences will once again be attractive--just like when you first fall in love! Ah, the mysteries and wonder of marriage.....