Put Your Mouth Where Your Money Is

One of the most vital areas to discuss during the engagement period is the arena of money. No doubt about it, money issues are at the top of the list of things that cause marital arguments. In fact, many divorce lawyers will tell you that money is the number one cause of the divorce cases they handle. There's just something about money that reveals a lot about who we really are. And most of the time, a couple will have two people with two significantly different viewpoints about money.

One person will typically be a saver. The other will be a spender. That's a big enough difference right there. But there are so many other things to evaluate together. What are your philosophies about debt? Do either of you have a lot of credit card debt? What about student loans? How important is financial security to you? What things would you like to save up for? What kind of house do you want to own? How long are you willing to wait for it? What about giving? Do you want to contribute to various charities? Which ones? What is your opinion about tithing?

Fortunately, there are places to help you get started in these discussions--as well as get a lot of helpful advice. Two sources that have been helpful to us in the past are Dave Ramsey's site (www.daveramsey.com) and Crown Financial Ministries (www.crown.org). There are other good sites. It is very important to have these discussions together about money. Get educated together on the importance of living within your means, saving, tithing, investing, giving. A good rule of thumb from Charlie Shedd for newlyweds is to save 10% of your income, give away 10%.....and then spend the rest on all that "other stuff". With that simple formula to begin your marriage, you'll eventually learn how to settle into the proper money outlook that will be right for your individual family in the long run. Whatever you do, talk about your finances. When you talk money together, you'll find out more about who you're marrying than you ever dreamed possible.

Something To Consider

Author David Gudgel says that there has been a dramatic shift in American culture in the last few decades. Before 1970, most couples married before they lived together. Now, it's the other way around. Today most couples live together before they marry. Beyond that, many couples who live together have no intention at all of ever getting married. In fact, even though 90 percent of teenagers say they believe in marriage, 74 percent say they would live with someone before marriage--or even instead of marriage. The general thinking here is something along these lines, "If things don't work out, we can chalk it up to experience and move on. At least we will have learned something about ourselves and marriage."

Here's another startling figure. For the first time since records have been kept, the United States Census Bureau found that the majority of firstborn children in this country are now born out of wedlock. In the 1930's the figure was only 18 percent. Today there are more than 1.4 million unmarried couples living together with children under the age of 15. This number has been growing steadily since 1980.

So what? Who cares, right? Isn't living together just a practical way to go? Doesn't it make pragmatic sense? After all, there are multiple reasons today why people choose to cohabit outside of a marriage commitment. And by the way, most who cohabit do think they indeed will get married--someday. The problem is that if living together comes first, the basis or foundation of the long-term relationship is built around one of those "practical" reasons for living together. The foundation of the relationship is built on sex, financial considerations, or convenience--rather than on commitment. No matter what is happening in culture around us, living together before you say "I do" does not begin the marriage on a firm foundation of trust. And trust is vital for the long-term health of any relationship.

If you are getting married, I assume that you would want that relationship to be both permanent and based on lifetime commitment--built on a firm foundation of trust. If you are now engaged, but living together and/or having premarital sex, I would invite you both to consider a radical suggestion--to start over fresh and remain apart sexually until marriage. (I know what you're thinking: that's crazy!) At least consider it--even pray about it.

I have had many struggling married couples meet with me who now wish they had initiated their marriage relationship on trust. My desire, more than anything, is for your marriage to last a lifetime. By building your marriage on a foundation of purity and commitment, your odds of a successful marriage increase dramatically. For your consideration...

Dream Home

Everyone likes to imagine what their dream home might look like. I actually think I found it. Kellie and I were in a home of some great friends of ours the other day that was absolutely the most fabulous my-kind-of-house that I have ever been in--ever! In fact, I don't think I would have changed a thing. I couldn't have dreamed up this home any better. The only change I could possibly make to it would be for us to be living in that house now ourselves! Seriously, it would take me too long to describe everything I loved about this house (Kellie and I both loved it). This gem of a home was a product of some fantastic dreaming and vision.

Dreams. It's important to have some dreaming time, in general. To think ahead, plan, set some goals for the future....even wait for God to speak to your heart about something. Will your new home together be a place that is receptive to dreaming? And by the way, what are those dreams that each of you have? Do you know? For instance, if I was going to ask you what your most important dreams in life were, how would you respond? This is a great question for you to ask each other. You might be surprised how much it would reveal about what's to come.

You don't want to be far down the highway of married life having never asked the other what their deepest desires or dreams are. So, the next time you're out to dinner with your fiance....ask each other that question. What special dream do you hope to see come true some day? And really take the time to listen to what's being said.

I would love to hear some of your responses.

The Perfect Wedding

Kellie and I love weddings. What's more romantic than a bride and a groom pledging to spend the rest of their lives together....and doing it in front of God, friends and family? It's such a beautiful experience and virtually everyone leaves feeling better about life. A wedding should be a joyous celebration--and they usually are. But, in my opinion, these days there is so much unnecessary pressure for couples to have the absolutely "perfect" wedding. I see the stress of this a lot with young couples. Honestly, I have yet to meet a bride who doesn't think she is going to have THE perfect wedding. And I certainly can't blame anyone for wanting a beautiful ceremony. But I have officiated countless weddings and Kellie has sang at many more--and we'll let you in on a little secret. Neither one of us has ever witnessed a completely flawless wedding.....but they have all been beautiful! Every one of them.

To tell you the truth, the only things really needed to make the wedding "perfect" is if God is present (and He always is), your fiance shows up, you have someone to perform the wedding, and there is a signed marriage license. All the rest of the wedding details are just added bonuses. Every single bride I have seen has been beautiful in their own unique fashion, so there's no need to worry about that part. The bride is always beautiful simply because she is ready for this wonderful experience of a new life with the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. That's all that really matters.

Don't stress about having the perfect wedding. There's only one who is perfect and He will be there at your wedding, if you invite Him, to make sure that it is a glorious moment in time. Hopefully, this will allow you both to relax and enjoy one of the greatest days of your lives. Congratulations!

Are You In Spiritual Sync?

There is nothing more devastating than believing ahead of time that you are on the same page with your beliefs about spirituality--and then finding out you are on completely different planets. It's so important to talk about all of those issues now--and be totally honest with each other. How do you really feel about issues concerning church and God? What will you want in the future for your kids? For instance, do you believe Jesus should be the foundation of your home? If not, then what? I (Brett) will go ahead and tell you that if Kellie and I had not had Christ as the centerpiece of our marriage from the beginning, it's likely that we would not be married today. Our selfishness (particularly in the early years) would have taken over and we would have probably gone the way of so many marriages today--ready to throw in the towel. We didn't know much about marriage to start with. But we did know that we both loved the Lord. He gave us the ability to give grace to each other over and over again. That kept us going during a lot of challenges throughout almost twenty years of marriage (so far).

Discuss together things like church traditions, church attendance, denominational issues (if they apply), Bible study habits, scripture interpretations, and anything else that you think is important in this regard. Don't assume that you are in agreement on these very core opinions unless you have talked about them together. You might discuss those issues further with your parents, pastors, clergy, and friends you respect. Establish together who or what is going to be the hope of your marriage together. It will be a very worthwhile conversation.

Driving with Love Maps

One of our favorite marriage experts, Dr. John Gottman, talks about a great relationship necessity called "love maps". A love map is being intimately familiar with each other's world, storing relevant information about your partner's life. For example, not only knowing what type of salad to order for your partner, but also knowing that he likes the dressing on the side. Knowing exactly which co-worker gets on her nerves. And taking the time to find out lots of information and stories from one another's pasts, while asking questions about dreams for the future.

A perfect example of a love map took place several years ago involving some friends of ours. We know a couple who had been dating for a few months, and Valentine's Day was fast approaching. The guy wanted to do something special for the girl, but also something unique and creative. So he packed a picnic lunch and went and picked her up for their date. When she asked where they were going, he simply told her that he wanted her to guide him around town, pointing out her special childhood locations to him. The house that she and her family grew up in, her elementary school, the church where she attended, her high school, etc. As you can imagine, this sparked a great afternoon of conversation, stories, and memories. This was his way of getting to know her on an even more intimate level. He didn't know it, but he was creating a love map in his mind for his future bride.

I love that story. The more effort we make to keep getting to know our partner, the more our brain is mapped with stories and memories of this wonderful person we love. To really love someone, we must know them ... better than anyone else on the planet.

Leaving and Cleaving

In the second chapter of the entire Bible, God makes it clear that he designed things so that new couples should leave their families of origin and cleave to their new mate. We all know what it means when a bride and groom leave their respectively families. But what does "cleaving" mean? The word "cleave" in the context of a new marriage or family means to "bond together" in the new family.....to actually become a new family! Does that mean that there will be no continued relationship with the parents? Not at all. Loving parents are a great thing--in fact, they make wonderful grandparents, so remember that! On the other hand, it does mean that it's very important for a new husband and wife to each give the other the position of highest devotion that was previously reserved for their parents. All priority is now given to that new partner in this new family.

To be honest, a few parents and in-laws do not make this transition well, so it's important for young married couples to set the precedent of this priority for the new family from the beginning. This will allow a healthy shift of affection and respect to occur and flourish in the new relationship. It will mean that you won't rely on parents anymore to solve problems. Instead, you will rely on one another. From here on, the two of you will work things out together--one way or another. But that's what's exciting!

When Kellie and I lived in our first apartment during our first year of marriage, it was a wonderfully sweet time. We didn't have much money, but that apartment was our little palace. It was really so nice to come home after a hard day of work. There were definitely adjustments and new experiences for us in our new setting. But it was a special time in our new marriage to learn how to develop our own lifestyle. Our own unique style. Meanwhile, we also learned how to depend on one another. Little by little, we figured out that, with God's help, we were going to do this marriage thing together--no matter what.

During the early months as a new married couple, it's not a bad idea to learn how to set limits with all of the "outside" people in your life, whether it's your in-laws, college buddies, or even people where you work. Devote as much time as you can to just talking together as a newly married couple and getting to know each other....even if you dated for a long time. There is something powerful that happens in a relationship once you have actually tied the knot. That's the beauty of marriage. In God's eyes, that's when you become a new family.

Also, this would be the time to put the past behind you. Kellie and I had both dated quite a lot of people before we were married. Once we actually were married, it was time to let all of those past dating relationships fall by the wayside. Your new spouse needs to know that he/she holds the number one place in your heart (after God, of course). After all, you took vows along those kind of lines, right?

If you will step out in faith and take this leaving and cleaving instruction from God to heart, He will more than equip both of you to handle all the new challenges you will face together as a new family. Married life will certainly have days that will just plain be tough. But with God at the center of your marriage, and the two of you holding on to each other, who or what can stand against you?

How Important is Premarital Counseling?

I (Brett) learned how to drive when I was ten. My dad taught me on a dune buggy that had a stick shift, clutch and everything. I got comfortable with shifting gears and working the brake, gas, steering, the whole bit. But even after I got quite good at doing all that, and driving around confidently all over dirt roads in the woods, Dad wouldn't let me take it on the highway--because I really didn't know what I was doing! And even though years later when I was so impatient waiting for my 16th birthday (thinking I already knew all about driving), looking back I'm glad that I took driver's ed. Without it, I wouldn't have had the knowledge and confidence to drive my first car--a 1976 Suburban! That thing was a beast!

Premarital counseling is not just something to check off the list. Instead, it's a fantastic opportunity to get to know the person you love the most. You might think you know each other quite well already. But there are so many important issues to consider together on this side of your wedding day--before you start heading down the highway and just believing you've got it all figured out. What about kids? What are your values? What do you want to be doing in five years? Ten? How did your family celebrate holidays growing up? What are your attitudes about money? About God? Church? And that's just the beginning. Don't rob yourselves of the opportunity to truly learn things together that will affect the rest of your lives.

Besides all that, a good marriage preparation class will let you know about how much fun marriage was really intended to be. True, it's a fact that a successful marriage requires a lot of hard work (honestly,that's why there are fewer and fewer successful marriges these days). But I can honestly say there is nothing that's more of a total kick than being married to the love of your life. Congratulations on your engagement. Let us know how we can help you get prepared to totally enjoy a lifetime of love.