Thanksgiving Thoughts

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you had a super day today with your family or with folks that you love. We certainly did. Thanksgiving could be my favorite holiday of the year. I like the whole idea of having a day to think about things that make you grateful.

One of the things that Kellie and I talked about tonight after dinner, football and visiting sick family members was the fact that the two of us have spent the last 23 Thanksgivings together-- since we first met in 1985. That's a whole lot of Thanksgivings! (Actually, I'll be honest, we couldn't remember if we actually spent Thanksgiving of 1986 together or not. After fighting a lot during the summer of that year, I moved back to Austin and we didn't date again. That is, until one weekend late in December. I came into town on a lark and asked Kellie to marry me. Really. We weren't even dating at the time. Eventually, she said "yes". So our memory is a little sketchy on that particular year).

Anyway, even though we've been together for that many Thanksgivings, these November holidays just keep getting better and better. In fact, I always tell Kellie that her Thanksgiving meal is "the best one I've ever had." She thinks that I'm just feeding her a line, but it's the absolute truth. Her Thanksgiving spread is magnificent. And she just gets more and more skilled at it every year. She keeps topping herself. I can authoritatively say I wouldn't want anyone else's turkey except hers. She is an outstanding cook....and I'm glad we are in the same family.

Now, when we first married, that certainly wasn't the case. Kellie was far less experienced with cooking in those days. In fact, she was often quite the person to experiment with exotic meals and so forth. Exotic to her.....risky to me. But, I ate everything I was served. After all, I was even less clued in about cooking than she was, so what choice did I have? You're talking about a guy who got through college eating can after can of Swanson's Chicken a la King on toast. I even ate the stuff for breakfast! Cheap, easy and filling. Notice I didn't say it was nutritious.

Our first year together as newlyweds was a sweet year. I have such great memories of that time. Kellie and I were so in love and downright giddy about living together as husband and wife in our first apartment. The pace was slow and the demands were few. We had easy jobs. We had a good church. It was a nice period to get to really know and enjoy each other.

But life is so much sweeter today in this millenium. We have now been married 20 years. We're much older (in fact, I'm really feeling it today). But the plus is that today Kellie and I definitely know each other very well. We have been through just about everything together--all kinds of highs, lows, thrills, meltdowns and adjustments. And we are so much more in love as result of our commitment to each other. Things couldn't be better between us. Life has thrown us all kinds of curve balls through the years but we keep on swingin'. We work hard on our marriage and it is our top relational investment, second only to our walk with God. And these days we have two beautiful teenagers with which we get to share our Thanksgivings. Nothing could be more wonderful.

For those of you who will get married in the next year, I'm praying that you will have a similar kind of story to ours. With prayer and hard work, you will. Marriage is the greatest thing going, but you need the help of someone greater than you. And in the meantime, while you're learning together, cultivate the habit of being thankful. If you can be grateful for each other every day, not just on Thanksgiving Day, you'll be amazed at much you'll realize you already have together. And life will just keep getting better and better....no matter your circumstances. I guarantee it.

Have a great Thanksgiving weekend and may you have many, many more together.

Beware of Overcommitment

Contrary to many current cultural messages, the value of commitment is a wonderful thing. One of the most important foundations of marriage is the commitment that a couple makes at their wedding ceremony before God, their families, and their friends. In most cases, they make a public pledge to love one another supremely, to care for one another no matter the circumstances, and to be faithful to one another until death separates them. It's one of the most beautiful expressions of love one person can make to another.

But be careful about moving into a period of overcommitment in your new life together. Because married life is so special yet an experience unlike any other, the newlywed months can also be a dangerous time for young couples--particularly for those who are trying to get through school or start a new profession. If at possible, avoid stacking your life with too many significant life transitions all at once. Overcommitment can be physically exhausting and even detrimental to your most important relationship. Going to college, working full-time, starting a business, fixing up your first house, having a baby--all at the same time.....whew! That would wear anyone out! Nevertheless, many energetic young couples overload their plate in that way and then wonder why their marriage relationships soon fall apart.

The real danger in having four or five of those life transitions in motion at once is that a couple only finds themselves connecting with each other only when they are physically worn out--which is not usually one's best moments for developing interpersonal relationship. So, what are the transitions of life that are currently affecting both of you? Remember, in marriage, whatever one person is going through, BOTH are going through to some extent. It's important to discuss these issues frankly and honestly. Your personal schedule and workload will most definitely affect your spouse, too, and ultimately the quality of your marriage.

Perhaps over dinner one evening, the two of you can decide what components of your lives might be deferred for later. This could potentially save yourselves a lot of unnecessary heartache, struggle, and sheer exhaustion. Believe me, it's a lot easier to not load your plate up front than it is to try to trim those commitments back later. Down the road of life you will be grateful that you took your foot off the accelerator for the sake of your marriage.

Look Before You Leap!

Know that you are going to have problems in marriage. In fact, it's an absolute guarantee. Book it, Dan-O! You will have challenges in your new lifelong relationship. There's nothing you can do to keep that fact from becoming a reality. However, there are ways you can minimize many of the problems a couple can have in a marriage.

One of the best things you can do is to discuss your expectations. Each individual comes into a marriage with a tremendous amount of expectations. It's just human nature. Men come in with certain ideals about marriage--what they think a typical day of married life should look like. At the same time, women enter this permanent relationship with an entirely different set of dreams. Most of all of these expectations are formed by what was observed in one's own home while growing up. However, most likely, the family of your spouse was different than your own family growing up. As an example, maybe one person was raised in a very strict environment, while the other family had a much more laid-back approach.

Since expectations are typically quite different between married partners, it just makes sense that conflict is going to be inevitable in marriage. However, the more you can discuss these differing expectations together in an intentional way, the better your chance of working harmoniously with these differences.

How important is conflict resolution? Very important! It's vital to learn how to resolve every bit of conflict that you can. You do this through heartfelt communication, honesty, and self-sacrifice. However, we often point out that marriage expert John Gottman has determined after years of marriage study that 69% of marital conflict is not resolvable. If this is true, then it's important to learn how to live with those things in the marriage that will continue to challenge a couple--to learn how to adapt to those ongoing differences and give one another grace. For more on overcoming gridlock, check out Gottman's book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.

Burying your differences (not talking about them or dealing with them) will destroy any relationship. Simply getting married with the hope that those differences will just fade away with your new permanent love commitment is both naive and destructive. However, the good news is that successful marriages have plenty of problems and challenges! But these couples have learned how to navigate through most or all of those issues together. That's the key.

This is why good premarital counseling is so important. Unfortunately, for a lot of reasons, many people avoid getting counseling during the key transitions of their lives. Not good! Do yourself a favor and seek out support. Your future marriage is too important. Statistics show that married couples that have had biblical premarital counseling before tying the knot have much higher success rates than those couples that ignore that opportunity.

We simply want to give you and your future marriage the greatest possible chance of succeeding. Our advice is that all engaged couples seek out good premarital counseling close to them. Many churches offer free or low-cost training. It's relatively painless, even fun, and it's so worth it. You'll never regret the investment you will make in what can be a satisfying lifelong relationship together.

Reporting From Columbus

Today my kids and I (Brett) returned from beautiful Columbus, Ohio, where I officiated the wedding of Mary Allison Timby and Greg Comfort over Labor Day Weekend. My family had such a good time up there. Besides nice parties and such, it just happened to be my first trip ever to Ohio in my life. I was very impressed, particularly with Columbus--a charming town with warm people and a nice downtown area. We also were given great seats to an Ohio State football game--right on the fifty-yard line! Wow, what an event that was. It happened to be Alumni Band day and the bands were phenomenal. For that game, my son and I made sure that we left our Vince Young t-shirts at home. We didn't want to offend anyone. I know that 2005 game with Texas is still fresh in a lot of folks' minds.

On Sunday, late afternoon, the ceremony took place in Greg's parents' plush backyard with about 200 guests. The setting was gorgeous with beautiful flowers everywhere and the weather could not have been more perfect for this time of year. It was a very touching ceremony with Greg's grandfather reading scripture from the "love chapter" of Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. All in all, it was a very romantic beginning to what we are praying will be a lifelong marriage of happiness.

I am confident that they will be happy. Greg and Mary Allison have known each other for about five years. What is amazing about their relationship is how often they have been separated from each other during their dating years. At various times, each of them have been parked in various parts of the world for different projects and for parts of their education. In spite of all of those months of separation, it's obvious that they always made their relationship a priority--even when they were apart. Now that they are together permanently, I know they will grow even closer.

I had so much fun meeting friends of Greg (who I didn't know previously) and getting reunited with so many of Mary Allison's friends (many of whom are my close friends, too). Getting to connect and reconnect with family and friends is one of the greatest aspects of a wedding weekend. I'm so grateful to both families for rolling out the red carpet for this Texan minister.

All of it just reminded me what a privilege it is to be able to participate in a small way in a wedding. It's humbling to be able to encourage young couples (and some older couples) as they launch into a permanent relationship together. I never grow tired of the experience. Officiating weddings would be a satisfying hobby if it didn't happen to be part of my vocation!

Extra thanks to my two teenage kids who made the trek across the country with Dad this time. Their presence made the weekend an even more special experience. They're both pretty good sports and a blast to be with. We laughed a lot.

Three more weddings coming up this month--the next one should also be a lovely one in Chappell Hill, Texas! Salute!

Happy Labor Day to all!

I Wish Someone Had Told Me That

Sometimes when I (Brett) perform weddings as a minister, I try to put myself in the groom's shoes. I always try to sense what he's experiencing the moment he watches his bride come down the aisle. My feelings from my own wedding are still very vivid in my mind. As I've said many times, I was totally overwhelmed by the visual, tangible and extraordinarily beautiful gift that God was bringing me down that aisle.

But I also often try to imagine what a young groom's expectations are about his upcoming life together with his future bride. Not just the honeymoon, but their life together. Most likely, he's not even thinking about it at that precise moment. He's probably more concerned with just keeping it together (like I was). That one or two minutes of a wedding processional can be a make it or break it time for guy who likes to have things looking like they're under control.

Which leads me to the point of this post. In marriage, you just cannot keep things under control. The reason is that this marriage thing, frankly, is bigger than the both of you. Yes, you can plan together. Yes, you can map out a life and follow certain principles, set certain goals, maybe even achieve a lot of them. For instance, Kellie and I launched our own marriage with two financial basics: to stay out of debt and to tithe (give 10% or more away) on anything we made. Following those two simple goals has served us well all these twenty years together. It has helped keep us out of financial trouble. Those were two of the early goals we actually have managed to keep (so far, anyway).

On my wedding day, I thought marriage would be a life full of romance, fun friendship, sex (lots of that), and good times. And, sure, I kind of expected in the back of my mind that the initial "crush", young love, and newlywed feelings would probably subside a little bit one day. But, honestly, I thought our euphoric state together would last longer than most people--because I just knew how much we loved each other! In other words, my thoughts were like practically about any other young groom when he gets married.

But I wish someone could have told me a few things. Really, plenty of things. I'll just mention two things right now. First of all, I wish someone could have told me that EVERY married couple eventually runs face to face with "Trouble" in River City (yes, with a capital "T"). You cannot avoid it! Furthermore, every married couple gets the opportunity (if they choose to do it) to work through that kind of trouble, learning how to manage both solvable and unsolvable conflict in their marriage. Knowing that could have really encouraged both of us in the early years of our marriage.

The other thing I wish someone would have shared with me is the fantastic married life that awaits a husband and wife on the other side of going through the tough work together as a couple. As the saying goes, anything worth having is worth fighting for. I had no idea that the best parts of marriage had never been mentioned to me before. I have since learned that the best parts of marriage are related to a deep, deep love.....a deep commitment that can only be tested by fire....after years of growing, forgiving, and getting to really know each other. This is a deep mutual love that can only blossom (in my opinion and experience) in a relationship centered on God.

Now, that I'm a wise old man (actually, just fortysomething) I want to make sure that I give those that are planning on getting married that kind of hope, that kind of vision of what life can be like together. So I'm doing it right here. Take my word for it....you're making the right decision on this marriage thing! In fact, I'm here to say that marriage is the best thing going. As I said in the last post, I'm definitely a satisfied customer. Sharing your lives together in marriage is quite a gift. You'll be glad that you made every single investment in it. Just make sure that you understand all along the way that a married life together in Christ is far more exciting than you would have ever dreamed it would be.

Why We Do What We Do

Kellie and I are in the middle of leading a six-week Married Life Prep series with many lovely and fun couples. Personally, this is one of the most enjoyable things we get to do in life. This current class series, as always, is full of just the most precious people. Most of these men and women are engaged to be married. Some of them are actually already newly married. Some couples are young; some are older. A few of the couples have been married before. But all of them seem quite excited about their future together.

In spite of national marriage statistics, we genuinely believe that every one of these Married Life Prep couples will have successful marriages. The reason? It's certainly not because we are extraordinary speakers or teachers--we're neither. Instead, we believe it's primarily because of two main assets these couples now have. First of all, they know that if they will just be intentional from day one of their marriage together, looking for ways to move toward each other instead of away, this joined determination together will set their marriage on a completely different and more positive course than might occur otherwise.

Beyond that, we know we will personally be praying for these couples. And we believe that they will be praying together throughout the years of their marriage. That's the greatest advantage anyone could have in a married life. With God's help, anything can be accomplished. (Philippians 4:13) That's pretty exciting news when you consider all the potential that a married couple has to make a difference in the lives of so many others in the future.

That's why we do what we do. We're here to help married couples have the best possible marriage and family that God could provide them. Frankly, Kellie and I are actually just satisfied customers ourselves! Our lives are far from perfect, but we do have a very fun and happy marriage--thanks to a lot of hard work. And we believe that any other couple can have this if they are both committed to prayer and enjoying the good and hard aspects of life together. If we can help encourage your future marriage in any way, please don't hesitate to contact us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org

Dive Into That Conflict!

Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education (CMFCE) writes, "The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. And what's sad is the reason we avoid conflict is because we believe it will cause divorce." Kellie and I couldn't agree more with this assessment. Ironically, NOT getting into conflict can be one of the most damaging things a couple can do in their relationship.

Couples that do well in marriage are couples that are realistic about the fact that they will inevitably have some kind of conflict in their marriage. After all, if both of you were exactly alike, one of you would be unnecessary! But beyond that, successful married couples know how to navigate through that conflict and discuss their differences of opinion to a point of understanding.

Kellie and I always marvel at the marriage of James Carville (liberal Democratic strategist) and Mary Matalin (very conservative Republican). How in the world do they stay married with such opposite viewpoints? The answer (we assume) is that they have tremendous respect for each other personally, they have great affection for one another, and somehow they have learned how to have very stark opinions with even tremendous conflict in their home--but they handle it successfully!

Don't be afraid to have heartfelt discussions involving differing personal viewpoints. On the contrary, fear NOT being able to have some of those hard conversations from time to time. Our general experience is that folks that don't ever have to navigate turmoil or conflict often avoid ever really getting to know each other honestly....and that can sometimes be a dangerous recipe for a lifelong marriage. As long as you are turning toward each other with great respect and abiding love and affection, you can learn to live in harmony together despite great personal differences. Yeah, you can.

Now, go ahead and breathe a sigh of relief.

Couples Who Pray Together ...

You've probably heard the phrase before ... couples who pray together stay together. I (Kellie) am not sure of the hard empirical data, but based on twenty years of marriage and personal contact with hundreds of other married couples, I can say that it's definitely the way to go. Brett and I talk a great deal in our premarital classes about pursuing intimacy. Intimacy is absolutely the lifeline to a successful relationship. And there are many avenues a couple can take to grow closer together. Certainly, good and honest communication is key. A healthy sex life is also a favorite! But praying together might be the most surprising way to pursue intimacy. There's a supernatural covering that happens when couples are praying for each other and with each other. Here are some benefits of prayer that might motivate you to start:

- It honors God

- It builds a hedge of protection around your marriage

- It develops emotional intelligence in both partners

- It's therapeutic

- It takes your relationship to the next level

- It affects your future

Don't panic if this is something new for you. God doesn't expect you to pray lengthy, lofty prayers. He just wants to hear what's on your heart. Start small, and keep it simple. If you're uncomfortable praying together out loud, just spend a few minutes in silent prayer together. There are even books of printed prayers available at bookstores that can help you get started.

I'm still surprised at the way prayer can open us up to being more honest with each other. For example, sometimes Brett and I will pray together after we've had an argument ... believe me, it's really hard to stay mad at someone when you're praying together! Prayer has also been a secret weapon in our marriage. There are days when I can almost tangibly feel Brett's prayers for me. And I know he feels the same way ... even when we're on opposite ends of the city. Step out and try it. I predict it won't be long before prayer is a common language spoken between the two of you and the Lord.

Colby and Kat

Almost two years ago, Kellie and I had the privilege of both being involved in the beautiful wedding of Colby and Katherine Paxton, a wonderful young couple. I have known Kat since she was a kid as she grew up in our youth group. We were always great buds--there's few people in this world who are as much fun as Katherine. And I met Colby right around the time he was finishing up his college baseball career as a pitcher at Auburn. I was immediately impressed with Colby's humility, maturity, and his devotion to God. I knew instantly, because of their mutual faith, they were going to be really great for each other.

We recently checked in with the two of them, happily married, living in Nashville, and asked the Paxtons to share how things have been going since their wedding day:

You two were married in August of 2005. It's hard to believe that it's been that long already since your wedding day! How long did you guys date before that?

Kat: We dated a year then we were engaged for 8 months.

What were the most important things you each considered in picking the other to be your spouse for life?

Kat: One of my main considerations was that Colby was a good complement to my personality. And he is. He has enabled me to be who I am but reins me in and encourages me when I need to follow the Lord's direction.

Colby: One of my main considerations was that Katherine was confident in herself--that has allowed me to get to know her in a deeper way. Also, I thought she had a very genuineness in relation to friends and family which is important to the both of us.

What has surprised you the most about married life so far?

Kat: I was surprised how different we really are. Colby thinks differently and acts differently and we arrive at different conclusions. But I would also say that we are learning how to accept the other's opinion and come to a mutual conclusion as a family. I have learned that the Lord also uses Colby to show me a different perspective.

Colby: I would agree with that. You learn a lot about your spouse and I have discovered not only am I different, but now I realize we are different people. However, we are starting to understand each other a little better. Also, I realize more about myself--that I have some selfish tendencies that I didn't realize until I had to start thinking for two.

What has been the greatest challenge for you as a young married couple?

Colby: I think it has been to manage our schedules and to allow time for us as a married couple--making that a priority.

Kat: We have realized how busy we have been in our marriage and have since made a conscious effort to say "no" to social engagements and carve out time for each other.

You don't have children yet. How much free time do you guys get to spend together?

Colby: We spend most weeknights together. When we aren't traveling on the weekends, we mainly hang out with each other or other married couples.

You moved to Nashville to start your married life together. Neither of you had lived there before you met. How has that adjustment been for you?

Kat: It was hard for me, initially, to move to Nashville. I didn't know anyone. Meanwhile, Colby had instant friends from work. I was lonely, but it was good for us to be able to hang out all the time and continue to get to know each other. Slowly, I dug into Nashville and made friends through my job. We've also made friends at church with people in the same stage of life as we are--with other couples.

Colby: Since I had lived in Nashville for a year before we got married, I had friends both from work and outside of work. This made it difficult to balance still having those friends while also being married. Meanwhile, Katherine had just moved here and those friends were not in the same stage of life as us.

Did you have challenges finding married couple friends in Nashville?

Kat: At first we didn't have many couple friends and that was a challenge. But after we joined a church, we were plugged into a Community Group and then we met people that were also newly married.

Nashville has so many churches. Was it hard for you guys to find one you liked?

Colby: Nashville does have many churches. But it was hard to visit because we were in and out of town a lot. We had trouble narrowing down to the short list. But, thankfully, we were able to find a church that we both love and where we want to be involved.

Neither of your in-laws live in Nashville. What kind of issues does that cause?

Kat: It is hard, no matter if in-laws are in or out of town. Colby's family lives three hours away, but we don't see them all the time. We are thankful to have a family relatively close by, but it is hard, especially during the holidays. Our parents are great and respect our time, but it is difficult to see both sets as much as we would like.

Colby: Since both sets of in-laws don't live in Nashville, it has been a blessing to grow into our own family. Though we really miss seeing them, it has been a great thing for our marriage.

What do you guys get to do for fun?

Kat: We have enjoyed working on our house and spending time with good friends in and out of town.

What would you say to a young couple getting ready to be married? What advice would you give?

Both: We would say to enjoy the engagement process, because it is really easy to wish it away.

Thanks, Colby and Katherine, for the great interview! Hope to see you guys soon. ~Brett & Kellie

Insurance For Cold Feet

NBC's The Today Show recently hosted a segment about an interesting topic that might interest all engaged couples. Apparently, it is getting more and more common these days to take out an insurance policy when planning a wedding. After all, the cost of weddings continues to increase and there are all sorts of deposits and fees due long before the ceremony takes place. Inclement weather, power outages, and transportation delays are all reasons why having an insurance policy might be a smart thing to do. However, Fireman's Fund Insurance has now come up with a rider that one may add to an existing wedding policy ... it's called the "change of heart" rider. And it covers you should your fiance decide to call the whole thing off before the big day! Stories like the runaway bride in Georgia getting national attention got the folks in the insurance industry thinking. I suppose if someone is left at the altar, it may bring some level of comfort to know they wouldn't be out all that money. An insurance policy like this may cover the financial loss, but I'm sure it wouldn't begin to cover the emotional loss. I think a better investment is to participate together in some good solid premarital counseling and education. Tread slowly. Take your time. There shouldn't be any rush in the decision to marry. Take the time to really get to know the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It may just be the best wedding insurance you can find.

Start Learning To Give......In!

Something that needs to be repeated more and more to engaged couples is that marriage is often very.....difficult. Sometimes that's extremely hard for a couple that is "in love" to grasp--and who can blame them? Let's face it, the period right before a wedding is an exciting time of life! So, by all means, enjoy it! Nevertheless, because of the romantic (even chemical) feelings of euphoria that are present in the early years of a loving relationship, it's easy to neglect the reality that hard work is necessary for a successful lifelong marriage.

Since this is so often true, a habit to develop now during your premarital stage is to learn how to become a servant to your future spouse. One of the most dramatic ways of doing that is to realize when it is more loving to "give in" during a difference of opinion. In my experience, it makes sense to yield to the one you love most of the time. There's an old saying that says, "You can be right....or you can be happily married!" Go out of your way to surrender "your way of doing things" to your partner's point of view. With the exception of moral convictions, most of the things that we disagree about are usually pretty petty. After all, does it really matter all that much what color the towels in the guest bathroom are going to be?

If you can practice this kind of response now, I believe it will set a course for your marriage for the future that will truly blow you away. Rising above your own self-centeredness will open both of you up to the true world of love--which is believing that the other person is more important than yourself. If you are both approaching your future marriage with that mindset, you will learn together how powerful a love relationship can really be.

A Fantastic Premarital Tool

One of the greatest joys in life for Kellie and me is the opportunity to work with so many engaged couples. As a result of our investment in premarital couples, we are constantly learning about new tools that can help a soon-to-be-married-for-life pair understand who they are and what behaviorial patterns they might have in the future. For instance, are there ever reasons that a couple should not marry, or at least postpone a wedding? You better believe there are. But rather than try to frighten you in any way with that reality, I would rather encourage you to get all the helpful insights about your relationship together before your wedding day that you possibly can.

That being said, there is an exciting new tool for premarital couples that I highly recommend called eHarmony Marriage. You've probably seen the commercials on television for eHarmony, a relationship service that is responsible for an average of 90 weddings a day, according to one report. In 2006, a revolutionary new division of eHarmony was developed to help actual marriages be healthier and more successful. eHarmony Marriage is a personalized, interactive online "marriage wellness" program designed to help marriages flourish by building a deepened sense of understanding, appreciation and connectedness. To get even more specific, there is a "premarital" track that is specifically designed for engaged couples. Through private online testing and education and encouragement, premarital couples have the opportunity to look at their relationship objectively and increase the joy and intimacy in a private setting.

To find out more about specifics, convenience, cost, etc. click http://marriage.eharmony.com/. Kellie and I have already benefitted ourselves from our own investment in the eharmony Marriage program--and we've seen a lot of great tools over the years.

Again, the more you can discuss together about your lives together on this side of your wedding day, the more realistic expectations you will have going into your most important lifelong commitment. This blog exists simply to help couples have more successful lives together in marriage. We believe that this program is another helpful tool that's easily available.

Making Time

Are you getting enough time together--simply to talk? Do you remember when you dated as a teenager how you would just spend hours on the phone? So, how about now? Are you spending quantity and quality time together in conversation? Failing to get time together to talk is the first thing that will short-circuit good communication in your marriage.

There's no short way around it. You must intentionally set aside time in order to have conversations together that really mean something. Otherwise, you will just be going through the motions with a very surface kind of communication.

Without planning this sort of time into your schedule--actually putting the specified time into your Daytimer, Palm Pilot or Crackberry--it just won't happen. For Kellie and me, it just so happens that conversations best occur when we're either walking together, driving together or sharing a meal together. For any of those things to take place, we've usually got to put it on our calendar...or at least say to each other, "This is what we're doing at 8 p.m. tonight!" Waiting for it to just "happen" usually means it won't.

Prioritizing time to talk together will put you way ahead of the curve when it comes to developing more connection in your relationship. Just remember....someday, you'll both be much older and talking will remain one of the few things you'll be able to do with the same kind of energy. So now's the time to get good at it!

My, How We've Grown!

I've always said that if a person really wants to grow in their personal life....then get married! Why? Because, frankly, going into a marriage relationship with another person will quickly put you face to face with how selfish you really are. Think about how ridiculous the notion might seem (at first glance) for two people to get married in the first place--two people, typically opposite in so many ways, pledging to live the rest of their lives together as "one flesh". The question will not be "Will we have any disagreements?". The question is "What will our disagreements be about... and how will we handle them?"

Part of the subtle but dramatic change in a marriage relationship, even for couples that have lived together first (which, by the way, we don't recommend for a lot of reasons), is that there are two individuals moving from independence to interdependence. Now, in this new love relationship of commitment, both parties are stepping out in faith to forfeit their "rights" of doing whatever they want, whenever they want. In our very selfish society, that notion might spark a lot of folks to respond with, "Well, then why get married? Won't that just cut into my freedom?"

My answer to that is that marriage is one of the best exchanges you could ever make in your life. Trading away your so-called personal freedoms for the opportunity to live freely together in a new God-centered relationship is well worth it. You will learn so much about what life really is all about--that's it's not about you. You will learn that serving others is the key to happy living--and that serving that one person in particular in a very intimate context can become the greatest blessing of your life.

It won't always be easy. Mike Mason, in his book The Mystery of Marriage, says:

A marriage, or a marriage partner, may be compared to a great tree growing right up through the center of one's living room. It is something that is just there, and it is HUGE, and everything has been built around it, and wherever one happens to be going--to the fridge, to bed, to the bathroom, or out of the front door--the tree has to be taken into account. It cannot be gone through; it must respectfully be gone around. It is somehow bigger and stronger than oneself. True, it could be chopped down, but not without tearing the house apart. And certainly it is beautiful, unique, exotic. But also, let's face it, it is at times an enormous inconvenience.

Personal growth is rarely easy. But it is always worth it. Growing together while learning what marriage is really all about is also not easy. But there are few things in life more rewarding and more satisfying than figuring out the rich depths of marriage together. Are you ready for that growth adventure?

Ladies, Give "Prince Charming" a Break

I (Kellie) get the benefit of hearing many different women comment about their husbands. Sometimes I get to hear great comments like "He did the nicest thing for me the other day ..." or "he just wanted to cuddle". But unfortunately, I hear many sad comments like "He just doesn't seem to get me" or "He's not really interested in seeing our relationship grow". Dr. Hurst's diagnosis? These women are temporarily suffering from "Prince Charming-itis". Somewhere along the way we believed that once we found "Mr. Right", all would be right with the world because our man would take on the task of meeting all of our emotional needs. Wrong! There is no man on earth who could possibly meet that monumental task.

When I was a little girl, I was well versed with all of those wonderful fairy tales ... especially the one with the cute guy on the white horse who would ride into town, stop everything, and gaze into my eyes (um ... I mean, Cinderella's eyes!) and make everything right. But here is what I've learned about "Brett Charming" after a couple of decades of marriage ...

1. I cannot place all of my emotional eggs in his basket. It is completely unfair of me to expect my husband to be my end-all. He won't be able to do it, and I set him up to fail when I expect him to.

2. My husband is really busy with a lot of other important things ... like working very hard for our family. To place him on the pedestal of being the Master of Meeting Emotional Needs is quite unfair.

3. Andy Stanley (a pastor from Atlanta) says that men think of their marriages like a good car. They just want it to work ... they don't want to have to work on it every weekend! This doesn't mean that our guys can't learn to be more emotionally involved - it just means that they're not wired the same way we girls are.

So let's cut the guys a little slack. It's a great place to be when you can look at your husband in all of his "man-ness" and be thrilled with who he is. Perfectionism has no place in marriage. Ladies, when your man falls off that white horse, hop back up there with him and hold on for the ride of your life!

Did Your Parents Throw Dishes?

I know that you and your fiance NEVER have any kind of conflict! But how did your parents resolve their conflicts with each other? Better yet, how did they resolve conflict with you? The odds are that, unless you make a conscious decision to do something differently, you will use many of the same techniques to resolve future conflicts in your new marriage. That may or may not be a good thing. This makes the subject of conflict resolution style another good topic to consider and discuss with your soon-to-be-spouse.

Again, the more of these things that you can explore together as a couple on this side of your wedding day, the more prepared you will be to face things that are inevitable in marriage--such as conflict. Conflict is not avoidable in any close relationship. And, believe it or not, it's not all that important what kind of conflict style you have in a marriage--quiet, loud or somewhere in-between. The key is to have realistic expectations of what's coming. Then unpleasant surprises can be considerably minimized. And when disagreements inevitably do come, you will both have some insight about the other person that will allow you to sail through most potential arguments with minimal damage.

Whether you throw dishes or not, make sure that you both know each other's conflict resolution styles well. Then you can figure out what your joined style of resolving issues will be as a married couple together.

Super Important Marriage Advice

Happy Memorial Day!

I (Brett) just finished interviewing a very good friend of mine who just celebrated his 61st wedding anniversary with his wife! That's a lot of life together! When I asked him the number one piece of advice that he would pass on to young couples getting married today, here was his response:

"Always put your spouse's welfare, dreams, wishes and self-worth ahead of your own and constantly let her or him know how important they are to your life and happiness."

I'll buy that. After sixty-one years of happy marriage, this man's walking the talk.

Let's Discuss It Over Dinner

A topic that I wish was discussed more is the idea that a solid marriage needs to be based on a very strong friendship. In fact, the potential of two people being best friends and lovers is a very powerful combination. In marriage, that friendship needs at least as much attention as the other friendships that occur outside the marriage. I happen to be officiating a wedding this weekend where the bride and groom are clearly each other's best friends. They do all kinds of things together as a couple--they are workout partners, they talk out their day together, they both like doing outdoor adventures, they like to listen to good jazz downtown, etc. They are definitely close friends.

One of the most powerful ways to build a friendship is also one of the simplest--have dinner together. Another word for friendship is companionship. The word companionship comes from a Latin word that means "breaking bread together". For a friendship to grow, it's important for companions to share meals often.

Statistics have shown that families that have developed the habit of eating together are families that lead more stable lives--in multiple categories. According to an article by Nancy Gibbs in Time magazine, kids in those families statistically are less likely to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders or contemplate suicide. They are also more likely to do well in school, delay having sex, eat their vegetables, learn big words and know which fork to use. That's scary--I didn't know there was supposed to be more than one fork in the first place!

The point is that it's important to share meals--to break bread--with those that you love. In a young marriage, that is a great time to start the habit of eating together as regularly as possible. Being able to talk about your day over dinner is rich stuff. And building the routine early is important--because you're only going to have a more hectic schedule if kids enter the picture someday later.

Whether you sit down to dinner at home (typically cheaper) or eat out together (definitely not cheapest) really doesn't matter much for the friendship-building component in early marriage. The point is to have time to linger together and talk about things thoroughly and leisurely. Even ordering a Domino's pizza (a million delivered on an average day) is not necessarily bad--as long as that ordered pizza is not making you each turn towards a television set instead of each other.

For us, Kellie and I have found, by far, that we connect best as a family at those meals where we and our teenagers are eating together around a table at home. It allows us to talk freely together in a safe place. For us, there's freedom for laughter and honest conversation--just better overall connection between us.

Better emotional bonding and the development of deeper friendships comes from sharing meals together--who knew? Maybe watching the Food Network is important after all.

I Don't Like The Way You Do Laundry!

A good conversation to have with your future lifelong mate is connected to how your house or apartment will be maintained. In other words, what are your expectations for how the household chores will be managed together?

I bring this up because one of the chores that I help with around our house--quite a bit, actually--is doing the laundry. With two active teenagers, we have an incessant pile of laundry in our home that never seems to go away. The pile just grows bigger and bigger like some grotesque monster in a "B" movie. Our goal as parents for some time has been to "groom the minors" in our family to take a good chunk of this responsibility, but effectually, they do a load themselves about once in a blue moon. So to help out, I don't mind doing up to a dozen loads of laundry a week.

The problem is that Kellie doesn't always like how I do the laundry. Apparently, there is a special system of some kind to doing laundry. She has a certain combination of detergents and sprays she uses on various things. They serve some purpose--although I'm not completely sure what. I guess I didn't pick that up in college. My simple effective method for this chore is to get as much of the growing, fermenting piles into that machine, pour gobs of soap in there and get that laundry going. Mixing colors with whites--not a tremendously big deal to me! Hot water--who really needs it? And besides, it costs more money, right? Just run that load!

You can see that I still have so much to learn. At any rate, with all the tedious chores connected with running a home, it's important to discuss ahead of time who likes to do what around the house--and who best knows how to do what. Clarify those expectations now and you'll save yourself from some very unnecessary (and sometimes hysterical) arguments.

Weathering Tough Storms Together

A few years back, Oprah Winfrey had actor Michael J. Fox and his wife, actress Tracy Pollan on her show. You may recall that the famous couple met while working together on the TV show Family Ties. You may also be aware that Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease just three years after his wedding ceremony with Tracy. The two have now been married for 18 years.

On her show, Oprah asked Tracy if there was ever a time when she said to herself, "This is isn't what I bought into!"

This was Tracy's response: "No....Michael and I had great role models. Though his father has passed away, his parents had an amazingly strong marriage, as do mine. Both weathered really tough times. For us, it has been normal to stay together through difficulties. We grew up witnessing that first hand. "

A successful lifelong marriage together is not possible without that kind of a deep commitment to each other.

World's Most Expensive Wedding

Most couples are surprised to find out that their wedding is more expensive than they would have ever dreamed. It's certainly easy to lose perspective quickly on how ritzy a wedding should be. According to The Longest List of the Longest Stuff at the Longest Domain Name at Long Last, the most expensive wedding in the world occurred June 22, 2004. That day, Lakshmi Mittal threw a lavish wedding for his daughter Vanisha Mittal and her fiancee Amit Bhatia. Their very plush wedding was held at Vaux le Vicomte, a 17th century French chateau (of course...where else?). The ceremony was actually the climax of a six day celebration--now that's a wedding weekend! The reported cost of the wedding celebration was $60 million. I'm guessing that was chump change for Lakshmi. He also holds the record for owning the world's most expensive house.

If you're feeling the pressure to "keep up with the Joneses" to make your wedding the most over-the-top celebration ever, I'd say you can relax. Unless you have a few million to throw around, your wedding will most likely come in at least a few dollars cheaper than the above extravaganza. By the way, it might interest you to know that some of the most special weddings that Kellie and I have ever participated in were ones that had the most modest and intimate of settings. In our view, what makes a wedding beautiful is to celebrate the joyous beginning of a lifelong marriage between two very special people--surrounded by family and friends--the people who love them most. So save a little of that extravagant spending for later family needs. Believe me, it could save you a lot of extra trouble now...and later.

Protecting Your New Marriage

If you haven't figured it out yet, we live in a society that's not exactly friendly to marriage. And not just the institution of marriage, but your individual marriage. Believe it or not, there are all kinds of outside forces in the world that would, frankly, rather not see your future marriage succeed. That's why it's important to take steps to protect your new relationship with your soon-to-be spouse.

Most likely, on your wedding day, you will be taking vows of some type that will emphasize your new commitment together. At your wedding, you will probably both be promising in some way to stay faithful and true to one another. Those are important vows. But communicate with each other before you get married how you are pragmatically going to do that. Maybe it's time to discuss a change in behavior from how things have been currently going in your dating life. For instance, maybe some situations that occur now might actually make you uncomfortable in a marriage commitment later. You might both want to decide how to handle invitations to having lunch alone with a person of the opposite sex. Or maybe you should discuss how important it is to regularly let friends and acquaintences know that you are happily married, without just making that fact an assumed notion--simply because you will now be wearing a wedding ring.

Obviously, you will not be able to completely avoid talking to someone of the opposite sex. That is neither realistic nor a way to go through life. However, it is important to always demonstrate your commitment to your future spouse, especially when they are not actually standing there with you. Always speak highly of your mate to others, and never give any reason for distrust.

Don't worry. There's really no reason to fear making a giant mistake in this area. Prayer is the simple key. Ask God to help your marriage stay on track in the area of trust. God does want to protect your marriage. So, pray for each other to make good decisions while you are apart from each other. When you are together, pray with each other to further develop your personal level of trust and understanding of each other. Praying together will keep you on track while growing you closer together in a level of intimacy that can't be achieved in any other context. In fact, praying together with the one you adore diminishes greatly your desire to be cavalier in any way about your marriage. So, it's a worthwhile investment of time.

People insure their homes, cars....all kinds of things against theft, casualty or destruction. Do the same thing for your most important relationship--pray for your love daily.

You Didn't Say Anything About Kids!

Every couple considering marriage needs to address the issue of the potential of having children together. Personally, I think having kids is one of the absolute greatest blessings a husband and wife can have on this earth. However...I'm afraid that not everyone shares that viewpoint with me. Let's face it. Kids are hard work. The subject of parenthood can be a tremendous stressor for a young marriage.

Do the two of you want children? If so, when? Is school for either one of you an issue right now? Are your careers more of a priority? Even if you eventually want to have children, it would be very beneficial to discuss how long you both want to wait before having kids (not that those conversations always do a lot of good--sometimes surprises just happen in life, unexplainably).

In my opinion, having kids is worth every minute, but there's certainly a lot to consider.

For instance, if you do have children, who is going to be the primary caregiver? Not a slam dunk question anymore. You might assume that you are on the same page on this issue only to find out that there is a dramatic surprise awaiting you. These days, all kinds of factors can make questions like this more complicated than ever. So please don't put off this important conversation. Bottom line: make sure you communicate with each other early and honestly what your expectations are about children. Then you won't get any curve balls thrown at you later. At least...not until you're playing ball with one of your kids!

Wedding Day

I'll be officiating another wedding today. Another precious couple will pledge before God, family, and friends to spend the rest of their lives together. That alone will make today a very special day.

I (Brett) love weddings. As a minister, there's nothing more thrilling than standing at the altar with the groom as he waits for his bride to come through the door. It's honestly an electric and very emotional experience. I enjoy having that special vantage point and watching the groom's reaction (and I've seen all kinds of reactions, believe me) as the bride comes down the aisle. And without fail, every single time, I think about my own young bride, twenty years ago, walking through the back doorway of her parents' home--and coming towards the altar beside the beautiful pool setting in her family's backyard. Our own wedding was at dusk, the sky was clear, the weather was perfect, the service was intimate, there were gorgeous lights in the trees--a romantic fairy tale, really--with the stunning love-of-my-life walking down the white-carpeted "aisle" that wrapped around the water until she, too, was standing with me.

Our pastor performed a beautiful service. And then....suddenly....we were married!

In our later years together, there would be many more fairy-tale and non-fairy-tale moments for us over the course of a long and happy marriage--including some very tough times together as a family. But the romance of that first day of our marriage is still alive and well. And, in a way, I have the privilege of "re-living" that experience in my position as a wedding minister--over and over again.

Congratulations to today's bride and groom--sweet, sweet people, both of them. I know, with God at the center of their lives, they, too, will also be very happy together!

You Tell Me Yours and I'll Tell You Mine

Here's a fun thing to do together (maybe). First, tell each other four good habits that you each have in your own life. That's the easy part. Then, tell each other four habits you wish you didn't have. This can be very revealing stuff. For instance, one of my milder bad habits is that I (Brett) often don't completely close the silverware drawer in our kitchen. I'm not really sure why I have that habit. I'm just really sure that it still drives Kellie crazy.

Keep in mind that habits are just that--habitual. Although virtually any bad habit can be broken, nevertheless, some of these annoying patterns could very well be traits that you may have thirty years from now! How does that make your future spouse feel? I can see some very interesting discussions brewing from this....

We always talk about the importance of giving each other grace throughout the many years of a lifelong marriage. So how about it...can you look the other way when you see an open silverware drawer? This sharing exercise might give you the opportunity to get a good headstart with learning how to overlook some bad habits of your mate. Or not.

Prenuptial Disagreement

Marriage expert Norm Wright says that prenuptials usually reflect a lack of trust as well as an incomplete commitment. Although, it's true, you certainly both need to go into marriage with your eyes wide open, you also need to be ready to commit to the intent that you will be together 'til death do you part.

So...can the two of you say with confidence that everything now belongs to both of you--to your new marriage? If you are not willing to share your finances together at this stage in the game or if you're not convinced that you are necessarily going to stay together until one of you dies, then, forgive me for asking, but why are you getting married? At the very least, I would say that it's time to have a serious conversation about your future together. Not being able to trust each other in the financial arena begins your marriage on a foundation of disagreement--probably not the best start.

All in the Family

There's an old saying that says that it's not two people that get married, it's actually six....or more! The meaning here is that you bring into your new marriage the attitudes of your parents--on both sides of the family. And if either of you is a child of divorce, then there are additional factors that have helped shape your viewpoints on life--and that's just the beginning of your family dynamics.

The more you know about your partner's family before you get married, the better. It will give you valuable insight into the heart of your companion. You'll discover what their philosophy of family and family life is really all about. You'll figure out why he or she behaves in certain ways under stress. You'll get a greater glimpse into the attitudes that shape them.

Whether we like it or not, we are products of our original families. But that doesn't mean that we have to set up the new family in exactly the same way. New philosophies, goals, and directions can be charted--through thoughtful prayer and discussion together. But spending some quality investment into each other's family history will be time well spent--because chances are those history lessons will resurface from time to time over the course of your lives together.

The Best Glue of All

Sex is awesome (I thought I would get your attention with that).

By the way, that word "awesome" has been quite overused in the last 25 years of our culture, but in this case, the word applies. Sex is awesome! It is a marvelous gift from the One who made us. No matter what you may have heard, God designed sex--and He did it for our pleasure and benefit. Among the many great things about sex is that it brings two people together in a way that can bond them for life. That's why it's so important to reserve the ultimate expression for the one to whom you are truly committed.

But, actually, I'm not here to talk about sex on this particular post. There is something that has just as much power (or more) to bind you together--and that's prayer. Prayer is also awesome! If you want to really connect with the one you love, pray with that person. In prayer, amazing things happen in the process of doing it--things that are independent of even what you thought you might be praying about.

When two people pray together, they grow in intimacy, to say the least. Over time, those two people will share things deep in their heart that they didn't even know resided in them. I can't tell you how many times I (Brett) have blurted out things in prayer that I either didn't necessarily intend to share with my wife or I had no idea they were down in the recesses of my mind and heart. It's pretty powerful stuff! Praying together makes love and commitment grow.

Praying together may sound a little intimidating at first--particularly to a lot of men. That's okay. You can take your time on this one and go slowly. The importance is to move forward on prayer together. Take baby steps. You may just start out praying silently together. Little by little start trying to say some little bits of prayer audibly. You can read things off of a list--maybe add a line here and there. It really doesn't matter how you do it. One couple started by having the wife pray out loud, while the husband just held her tight during the prayer. She was thrilled.

When you pray, don't worry at all about what God thinks! He already knows everything about both of you--whether you pray to Him or not. But it is clear from scripture that the Lord wants us to pray, He desires us to pray. The best way that I can describe that is how each day I long to have conversation with each of my two kids. It is such a thrill to hear what's going on in their world, in their minds, in how they think and feel. It's one of the great pleasures in life. How much more does God want to spend time with His own creations--each one of us. I believe nothing gives Him more pleasure than hearing our humble prayer expressions.

Add to that the fact that God can do some unbelievably great things on our behalf, and you've got quite an inspiring case for prayer. So, as you take the steps to begin praying together, know that you are getting into something good. And, by doing it, you are dramatically increasing the statistical odds of preventing divorce or decay in your lifelong relationship together. And, believe it or not, it will make your sex life better! You'll just have to take my word on it. I encourage you to take a chance on prayer ASAP....even before your wedding day. It will make that glorious wedding experience and your lives in the future together that much richer, deeper, and permanent.

Viva La Difference!

Dating couples are not only attracted to similarities, but also to differences. Sometimes the differences are even more attractive at first because we are subconsciously responding to things in the other person that fill our empty places. But here's the deal: those same differences that were so adorable while dating often become so irritating during the first few years of marriage! So....just know that ahead of time. And when those opposite qualities start getting a bit annoying, don't immediately retreat because you "couldn't be more different from each other". In fact, be particularly sensitive to extend extra grace to each other in the early years of marriage while you're figuring out how to "fit" together. Opposites are great! If you can cut each other slack consistently, I can promise you that, eventually, those irritating differences will once again be attractive--just like when you first fall in love! Ah, the mysteries and wonder of marriage.....

Put Your Mouth Where Your Money Is

One of the most vital areas to discuss during the engagement period is the arena of money. No doubt about it, money issues are at the top of the list of things that cause marital arguments. In fact, many divorce lawyers will tell you that money is the number one cause of the divorce cases they handle. There's just something about money that reveals a lot about who we really are. And most of the time, a couple will have two people with two significantly different viewpoints about money.

One person will typically be a saver. The other will be a spender. That's a big enough difference right there. But there are so many other things to evaluate together. What are your philosophies about debt? Do either of you have a lot of credit card debt? What about student loans? How important is financial security to you? What things would you like to save up for? What kind of house do you want to own? How long are you willing to wait for it? What about giving? Do you want to contribute to various charities? Which ones? What is your opinion about tithing?

Fortunately, there are places to help you get started in these discussions--as well as get a lot of helpful advice. Two sources that have been helpful to us in the past are Dave Ramsey's site (www.daveramsey.com) and Crown Financial Ministries (www.crown.org). There are other good sites. It is very important to have these discussions together about money. Get educated together on the importance of living within your means, saving, tithing, investing, giving. A good rule of thumb from Charlie Shedd for newlyweds is to save 10% of your income, give away 10%.....and then spend the rest on all that "other stuff". With that simple formula to begin your marriage, you'll eventually learn how to settle into the proper money outlook that will be right for your individual family in the long run. Whatever you do, talk about your finances. When you talk money together, you'll find out more about who you're marrying than you ever dreamed possible.

Something To Consider

Author David Gudgel says that there has been a dramatic shift in American culture in the last few decades. Before 1970, most couples married before they lived together. Now, it's the other way around. Today most couples live together before they marry. Beyond that, many couples who live together have no intention at all of ever getting married. In fact, even though 90 percent of teenagers say they believe in marriage, 74 percent say they would live with someone before marriage--or even instead of marriage. The general thinking here is something along these lines, "If things don't work out, we can chalk it up to experience and move on. At least we will have learned something about ourselves and marriage."

Here's another startling figure. For the first time since records have been kept, the United States Census Bureau found that the majority of firstborn children in this country are now born out of wedlock. In the 1930's the figure was only 18 percent. Today there are more than 1.4 million unmarried couples living together with children under the age of 15. This number has been growing steadily since 1980.

So what? Who cares, right? Isn't living together just a practical way to go? Doesn't it make pragmatic sense? After all, there are multiple reasons today why people choose to cohabit outside of a marriage commitment. And by the way, most who cohabit do think they indeed will get married--someday. The problem is that if living together comes first, the basis or foundation of the long-term relationship is built around one of those "practical" reasons for living together. The foundation of the relationship is built on sex, financial considerations, or convenience--rather than on commitment. No matter what is happening in culture around us, living together before you say "I do" does not begin the marriage on a firm foundation of trust. And trust is vital for the long-term health of any relationship.

If you are getting married, I assume that you would want that relationship to be both permanent and based on lifetime commitment--built on a firm foundation of trust. If you are now engaged, but living together and/or having premarital sex, I would invite you both to consider a radical suggestion--to start over fresh and remain apart sexually until marriage. (I know what you're thinking: that's crazy!) At least consider it--even pray about it.

I have had many struggling married couples meet with me who now wish they had initiated their marriage relationship on trust. My desire, more than anything, is for your marriage to last a lifetime. By building your marriage on a foundation of purity and commitment, your odds of a successful marriage increase dramatically. For your consideration...

Dream Home

Everyone likes to imagine what their dream home might look like. I actually think I found it. Kellie and I were in a home of some great friends of ours the other day that was absolutely the most fabulous my-kind-of-house that I have ever been in--ever! In fact, I don't think I would have changed a thing. I couldn't have dreamed up this home any better. The only change I could possibly make to it would be for us to be living in that house now ourselves! Seriously, it would take me too long to describe everything I loved about this house (Kellie and I both loved it). This gem of a home was a product of some fantastic dreaming and vision.

Dreams. It's important to have some dreaming time, in general. To think ahead, plan, set some goals for the future....even wait for God to speak to your heart about something. Will your new home together be a place that is receptive to dreaming? And by the way, what are those dreams that each of you have? Do you know? For instance, if I was going to ask you what your most important dreams in life were, how would you respond? This is a great question for you to ask each other. You might be surprised how much it would reveal about what's to come.

You don't want to be far down the highway of married life having never asked the other what their deepest desires or dreams are. So, the next time you're out to dinner with your fiance....ask each other that question. What special dream do you hope to see come true some day? And really take the time to listen to what's being said.

I would love to hear some of your responses.

The Perfect Wedding

Kellie and I love weddings. What's more romantic than a bride and a groom pledging to spend the rest of their lives together....and doing it in front of God, friends and family? It's such a beautiful experience and virtually everyone leaves feeling better about life. A wedding should be a joyous celebration--and they usually are. But, in my opinion, these days there is so much unnecessary pressure for couples to have the absolutely "perfect" wedding. I see the stress of this a lot with young couples. Honestly, I have yet to meet a bride who doesn't think she is going to have THE perfect wedding. And I certainly can't blame anyone for wanting a beautiful ceremony. But I have officiated countless weddings and Kellie has sang at many more--and we'll let you in on a little secret. Neither one of us has ever witnessed a completely flawless wedding.....but they have all been beautiful! Every one of them.

To tell you the truth, the only things really needed to make the wedding "perfect" is if God is present (and He always is), your fiance shows up, you have someone to perform the wedding, and there is a signed marriage license. All the rest of the wedding details are just added bonuses. Every single bride I have seen has been beautiful in their own unique fashion, so there's no need to worry about that part. The bride is always beautiful simply because she is ready for this wonderful experience of a new life with the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. That's all that really matters.

Don't stress about having the perfect wedding. There's only one who is perfect and He will be there at your wedding, if you invite Him, to make sure that it is a glorious moment in time. Hopefully, this will allow you both to relax and enjoy one of the greatest days of your lives. Congratulations!

Are You In Spiritual Sync?

There is nothing more devastating than believing ahead of time that you are on the same page with your beliefs about spirituality--and then finding out you are on completely different planets. It's so important to talk about all of those issues now--and be totally honest with each other. How do you really feel about issues concerning church and God? What will you want in the future for your kids? For instance, do you believe Jesus should be the foundation of your home? If not, then what? I (Brett) will go ahead and tell you that if Kellie and I had not had Christ as the centerpiece of our marriage from the beginning, it's likely that we would not be married today. Our selfishness (particularly in the early years) would have taken over and we would have probably gone the way of so many marriages today--ready to throw in the towel. We didn't know much about marriage to start with. But we did know that we both loved the Lord. He gave us the ability to give grace to each other over and over again. That kept us going during a lot of challenges throughout almost twenty years of marriage (so far).

Discuss together things like church traditions, church attendance, denominational issues (if they apply), Bible study habits, scripture interpretations, and anything else that you think is important in this regard. Don't assume that you are in agreement on these very core opinions unless you have talked about them together. You might discuss those issues further with your parents, pastors, clergy, and friends you respect. Establish together who or what is going to be the hope of your marriage together. It will be a very worthwhile conversation.

Driving with Love Maps

One of our favorite marriage experts, Dr. John Gottman, talks about a great relationship necessity called "love maps". A love map is being intimately familiar with each other's world, storing relevant information about your partner's life. For example, not only knowing what type of salad to order for your partner, but also knowing that he likes the dressing on the side. Knowing exactly which co-worker gets on her nerves. And taking the time to find out lots of information and stories from one another's pasts, while asking questions about dreams for the future.

A perfect example of a love map took place several years ago involving some friends of ours. We know a couple who had been dating for a few months, and Valentine's Day was fast approaching. The guy wanted to do something special for the girl, but also something unique and creative. So he packed a picnic lunch and went and picked her up for their date. When she asked where they were going, he simply told her that he wanted her to guide him around town, pointing out her special childhood locations to him. The house that she and her family grew up in, her elementary school, the church where she attended, her high school, etc. As you can imagine, this sparked a great afternoon of conversation, stories, and memories. This was his way of getting to know her on an even more intimate level. He didn't know it, but he was creating a love map in his mind for his future bride.

I love that story. The more effort we make to keep getting to know our partner, the more our brain is mapped with stories and memories of this wonderful person we love. To really love someone, we must know them ... better than anyone else on the planet.